Where it sits
Submarining sits at the far end of the reappearance — a full return with no account given.
Tell it apart
| Aspect | Submarining | Zombieing |
|---|---|---|
| Acknowledges the gap? | No | Usually, with an excuse |
| Opening move | Carries on as normal | 'Hey stranger' |
| Leaves you | Disoriented | Ambushed |
| Implies | It was never a big deal | There was a reason |
Both return from the dead; only the zombie bothers to explain where they've been. A zombie offers an excuse — work, a breakdown, a bad patch. A submariner simply carries on mid-conversation, as though the months of silence hadn't happened.
What it doesn't mean
A zombie returns and acknowledges the absence, usually with an excuse. A submariner resurfaces with no acknowledgement at all — that missing explanation is the entire distinction.
Resurfacing is more often attributed to loneliness, boredom, and how easy apps make it to discard and retrieve people — not to renewed intent.
What it really means
A submarine doesn't leave. It dives — gone from the surface entirely, unreachable, no signal — and then one day it breaches: enormous, unannounced, and behaving as though it had been on a scheduled mission the whole time. Submarining is that manoeuvre performed by a person.
What separates it from every other reappearance is the thing that doesn't happen. There's no apology. No account of the missing months. Often not even a 'hey stranger' to mark the gap — just a message that carries on as though the last three months were a slightly long pause in an ongoing chat. The absence isn't explained because acknowledging it would make it a thing that needs explaining.
That's the small, disorienting insult inside it. Being ghosted at least treats the disappearance as final. Being submarined asks you to agree, retroactively, that nothing notable occurred — that months of wondering were not a real event. You're allowed to decline that invitation. The useful question isn't why they went, it's whether they can say where — and someone who won't answer that has told you how the next disappearance will go.
Where it comes from
a vessel that dives, disappears, and breaches unannounced
It surfaces enormous and unbothered, as though it had been on a mission the whole time.
- 2017
Coined in the UK press by writer Rebecca Reid and documented in US coverage the same year.
- 2018
Goes mainstream through wider coverage quoting therapists and dating-app staff.
In real life
- Three months after he stopped replying, he sends you about this weekend? as though you had spoken yesterday.
- She vanishes for the whole summer, then picks up the conversation in September exactly where it stopped.
- No sorry, no explanation, not even a long time no see — just a message carrying on as normal.
Questions
Q01What's the difference between submarining and zombieing?
Zombies acknowledge that they vanished, usually with some kind of excuse. Submariners resurface as though the silence never happened — picking the conversation back up mid-sentence, months later, with nothing offered.
Q02Why do people submarine?
Therapists point to how easily apps let people set someone aside while chasing other options, and to loneliness bringing them back later. Avoidance of both commitment and confrontation runs through most explanations.
Q03Should I respond to a submariner?
Entirely your call — you owe nothing to a returning silence. If you're curious, it's fair to ask directly where they went and what they want now. A refusal to engage with that question tells you most of what you need.
Sources
- If you've ever been ghosted, you've probably been 'submarined' too — HuffPost.
- What is submarining? — Marie Claire.
- submarine (etymology) — Wiktionary.